matters of the heart

finally the crunch time is here.
i've sms my gal asking her that have she been truthful to me. yes or no. well, as i expected, she said no. to me, it's as good as asking whether you are a thief. but the thing is, i just want to hear from the horses' mouth since i already know the truth. though the truth hurts but it's the truth isn't it? she told me that we'll talk about it when we meet up at home but then i told her, since you lied about being truthful, what's there to talk about? hearing more lies from you?

she came back to my house at midnight, pack her stuff and when back to her home to sleep. i think she's confuse about our state of relationship. whether to stay or go. anyway, this is the first time in more than 3yrs that she pack her bag and went back home to sleep.

these few days, i've been controlling my emotions. how do you sleep together with someone knowing that she's not truthful to you? it's like sleeping with the enemy thou not to that extreme. so let me see, how long have we been together? 4yrs, 4mths and 7days. how do you let it all go? i've asked myself about the consequences on asking her about the 'truth' thing. how much are you willing to let go or how far are you willing to go? are you prepared to risk it all? after some lengthy thoughts, i told myself that if it happens once, twice, it'll definitely happen again. it's better to cut my loses before the wager ( hope) gets too big and too late. anyway, the answer is quite simple isn't it? if she's willing to risk a 4yrs relationship, you can already tell how much a person values it. if she dun values the relationship, why should you?

am i sad? sure.
but not to the extend of being paralysed, world collapsed etc.
the kind of sadness when things dun go out your way, kanna play out.
i've weathered many storms and one super big heartache during my teens. compared to this, no big deal just that after being so long together and doing many things together, it takes time to get use to being alone again.

i've got my pride.
i've got this trait in me: if after being together and when another fella pursues you and you consider whether to jump ship, i'll bail out. i dun blame the other fella, everybody got the right to go after one another even he/she's married but when your gal starts to consider her options, to me, it's like she's got doubts in our relationship or hoping for something better. it just mean that you're second choice cause if you're the first or she's satisfied with what she have, she wouldn't even consider in the first place.

is the end in sight?
well, in a day or two, we shall know the answer. she's sorting out her thoughts now. when she's ready for a frank heart to heart talk, we'll know then. till then, i'm hoping for the worst. is it the worst or the best since i know the truth? let's just say, no matter what the outcome is, it's for the better.

i'm willing to let it all go, be it 4yrs or 10yrs. i can't stand it when ppl is not truthful.