it's over

finally, it has come to an end...

the dreams were good while it lasted...

my first true relationship ended on the my dad's birthday.

this is my second and tomorrow is my mom's birthday.

listed below is my fav song, i managed to find the translation from the net
it expresses what i felt now. right now...
Many thanks to Mina-P

UP TO YOU
Performed by: Luna Sea

Translated by: Mina-P (Email: Minako@senshigakuen.com)
Note: I really didn't take notice of this song until I watched my copy of "Luna Sea: The Final Act Tokyo Dome", which chronicled Luna Sea's final concerts in Tokyo Dome before they broke up. "UP TO YOU" was their second to last song, and I think that really sums things up. It's a cute, uplifting song on its own; as a song played to sum up the feelings of a band breaking up, it's heart wrenching. Literally, when they played this song, every single fangirl in the Dome started bawling. Basically, I see the song two different ways. The first is about love and hoping that it will be returned. The second is a message about finding your own dreams. In a way, they're related. The song's about loving someone more than anything, and loving them to the point of wanting them to find their true selves even if it's not with you. I tried to encompass everything in the translation but, of course, it was tough. In any case, enjoy!

tsuyoku kanjite tsuyoku dakishimete
kore kara hajimaru toki o
mune ni idaite yume ni egaite
hajimari no kane ga naru yo
Feel it strongly Hold me strongly
From now on our time will begin
Keep it in mind Dream of it
The starting bell is ringing

arukitsuzuketa sagashitsuzuketa
yatto mitsuketa owari wa nai kedo
I kept walking I kept searching
At last, I found it but there is no end

kimi wa dekiru hazu shinjitsu o motomete
You can do it, ask for the truth

itsumo no you ni katari akasou
hoshizora no shita de soba ni iru kara
Just like always, let's talk all night long
Underneath the starry sky because I'm here

tooku toberu hazu jiyuu o motometa nara
takaku toberu hazu mayottemo
You can fly far if you asked for freedom
You can fly high even if you're lost

kono me ni utsuru anata no sugata
kagayaku tame ni zutto
Your image is reflected in my eyes
So that it can sparkle always

tsuyoku kanjite tsuyoku dakishimete
kore kara hajimaru toki o
mune ni idaite yume ni egaite
hajimari no kane ga naru yo
Feel it strongly Hold me strongly
From now on our time will begin
Keep it in mind Dream of it
The starting bell is ringing

tsuyoku kanjite tsuyoku dakishimete
fukiareru kaze no naka de
mune ni idaita yume ga kanau made
itsumademo kawaranai kono ai o
Feel it strongly Hold me strongly
Sweep over everything inside of the wind
I kept it in mind until my dreams were granted
Endlessly unchanging this love

yume o mitsuzukete
hashiritsuzuketa
yume o mitsuzukete
owari wa nai kara
ame ni utaretemo
yume ga nijindemo
asu o shinjite
kono te wa hanasanai
I kept dreaming
And running forward
Keep dreaming
Because there is no end
Even if rain beats down on you
Even if dreams run and blur
Believe in tomorrow
I won't let go of your hand

matters of the heart

finally the crunch time is here.
i've sms my gal asking her that have she been truthful to me. yes or no. well, as i expected, she said no. to me, it's as good as asking whether you are a thief. but the thing is, i just want to hear from the horses' mouth since i already know the truth. though the truth hurts but it's the truth isn't it? she told me that we'll talk about it when we meet up at home but then i told her, since you lied about being truthful, what's there to talk about? hearing more lies from you?

she came back to my house at midnight, pack her stuff and when back to her home to sleep. i think she's confuse about our state of relationship. whether to stay or go. anyway, this is the first time in more than 3yrs that she pack her bag and went back home to sleep.

these few days, i've been controlling my emotions. how do you sleep together with someone knowing that she's not truthful to you? it's like sleeping with the enemy thou not to that extreme. so let me see, how long have we been together? 4yrs, 4mths and 7days. how do you let it all go? i've asked myself about the consequences on asking her about the 'truth' thing. how much are you willing to let go or how far are you willing to go? are you prepared to risk it all? after some lengthy thoughts, i told myself that if it happens once, twice, it'll definitely happen again. it's better to cut my loses before the wager ( hope) gets too big and too late. anyway, the answer is quite simple isn't it? if she's willing to risk a 4yrs relationship, you can already tell how much a person values it. if she dun values the relationship, why should you?

am i sad? sure.
but not to the extend of being paralysed, world collapsed etc.
the kind of sadness when things dun go out your way, kanna play out.
i've weathered many storms and one super big heartache during my teens. compared to this, no big deal just that after being so long together and doing many things together, it takes time to get use to being alone again.

i've got my pride.
i've got this trait in me: if after being together and when another fella pursues you and you consider whether to jump ship, i'll bail out. i dun blame the other fella, everybody got the right to go after one another even he/she's married but when your gal starts to consider her options, to me, it's like she's got doubts in our relationship or hoping for something better. it just mean that you're second choice cause if you're the first or she's satisfied with what she have, she wouldn't even consider in the first place.

is the end in sight?
well, in a day or two, we shall know the answer. she's sorting out her thoughts now. when she's ready for a frank heart to heart talk, we'll know then. till then, i'm hoping for the worst. is it the worst or the best since i know the truth? let's just say, no matter what the outcome is, it's for the better.

i'm willing to let it all go, be it 4yrs or 10yrs. i can't stand it when ppl is not truthful.