The cycle of drive

Have you lost the passion in your work?
Have you lost the original purpose of working?
Where are the dreams and ideals?
Has cynicism tame you and hope deserted you?
Do you feel like running away from it all and escape from reality?

The last 2 wks, i just lost my drive...
It's like forever running without an finishing line and i just got tired along the way.

Sometimes i wonder how does people last so long in their job. Have they given up hope and resign to fate or is it an responsibility to their family that they just continue on and dreams? what dreams they say.

The last 2 wks, i just put down whatever i'm doing and stoned.
lazing around the house and wasting my time away watching cable when i usually spend it on my japanese revision and books. i just don't feel like doing anything at all. deep in my mind, i know that i shouldn't be doing it but i just don't have the drive. I even felt guilty and wondering what the hell am i doing.

i realised that i will sometimes go thru cycles of drive like this. i get depressed and burn out. I just sink to the rock bottom and pity at my own mediocre life and the inability to translate into action.

when i do hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up. there's just no any lower that i can sink to. then i just find my strength back again and face the world chin up, wind in my face. with every cycle passed, i become a little bit stronger as the hole sinks deeper.

Mar 22nd was the 2nd yr death anniversary of my brother in law. thou we're not that close, i still miss him because of the kids. whenever i look at my nephew and niece, it'll reminds me that they could have so much more with the father around. i think to myself, if it happens to me, do i have the strength to face the world like they are doing ? my family is so tightknitted that they've become like my children and like a father, there's so much i will do for my child and that is why i always felt so sad. seeing them without the dad.

in times like this, i realised that i have an additional responsibility, to make the best of out my life so that i could make the best out of them. just like when my nephew was still a 2yr old, standing by the door waving me goodbye as i left for work. the world's problems seem to fade away and nothing else matters.

and in times like this, all the struggles that i'm currently going thru seem inconsequential.